Doing the Work:
TtM THRIVERcises
If you've ever asked yourself how you'll know you are DOING THE WORK, you aren't alone. In the absence of TACTICS, this advice can just make your struggle more confusing.
THRIVERcises are our tool for DOING THE WORK, no matter the challenge.
CASE STUDY: You Just Have to DO THE WORK, but HOW?
A Case Study: Sarah's Story
INTRODUCTION:
When it comes to reaching a goal or overcoming a challenge, you’ll always hear the same thing: DO THE WORK. It’s common sense and good advice, but for the person seeking help, it can be VERY frustrating, for reasons you can relate to and some you may not have considered.
INSTRUCTIONS:
After reading the following scenario and exchange, consider Sarah’s thoughts. If you haven’t been in Sarah’s specific situation, try to recall a daunting challenge in your own life for which you sought help. Put a mental checkmark next to any that you relate to.
CASE STUDY:
Lately, Sarah’s been considering her current relationship. She’d been with Ethan for two years before getting married, and for the two years after, she considered it a happy, growing, and strong relationship, at least based on her understanding of a healthy relationship. It’s as if she had a checklist in her mind, and each time she took the time to examine it, they ticked all the boxes. But lately, that hasn’t been the case. In fact, for the first time in those four years: she realized that something was missing, maybe more than one thing. But she wanted it to work. So, she sought answers. After a best-seller or two and a handful of videos online, Sarah sought the advice of a therapist, who offered the following:
‘It’s important to know that you are not alone. All relationships struggle from time to time. In my experience, when couples stop finding time for each other, the relationship suffers. I’ve met with many and I end up telling each the same thing: if you are committed to making it work, including making time for one another, increasing the frequency and quality of intimacy, and finding common ground when you disagree, YOU HAVE TO DO THE WORK. Some couples think that it’s a quick fix. That it’s a function of time. The issues will resolve themselves. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. I’ve never seen a couple succeed unless they were willing to PUT IN TIME TO RESOLVE THEIR ISSUES. Both parties must be COMMITTED TO IMPROVEMENT. A ‘How to List’ might be helpful, for a time. But for most relationships, a chance at long term happiness comes down to being willing to roll up your sleeves and work on finding a way back to each other.'
‘Think about what I’ve said. The first step was coming to see me and knowing is half the battle. You can do this. If this time works for you, I’ll make sure you’re scheduled for next week and we can gauge your progress. How does that sound?’
After the session closed, Sarah started her car and headed for home. As she drove, she was energized, more committed than before, and eager to get started. But as her headlights reflected on the home they shared and she pulled into the garage, she realized she didn’t know where to start.
As Ethan was finishing a work project on his laptop in his office, she brewed some tea and tried to organize the thoughts brewing in her head:
- ‘I want to do the work. In fact, I’ve never wanted something more.’
- ‘It seemed like I was just another one of my therapist’s clients seeking a quick-fix, rather than putting in the work. Maybe I just don’t want this enough.’
- ‘It sounds like Ethan and I need to spend more time together and that includes intimacy. But that’s what I want and feel we aren’t getting. Is what I want the actual work, and we’re just not compatible? If we could do those things, I guess we would be.’
- ‘I agree with my therapist – This is going to take time and I need to take the time to make it better. I just spent the better part of two hours between leaving work, my session, and heading for home. Doesn’t that mean I’m taking the time to work through this?’
- ‘Ugh, Sarah, JUST DO THE WORK. Tomorrow, make a point to ask for Ethan’s commitment to do the same.’
- ‘Then again, we both WORK way too much. That’s not something foreign to either of us.’
- ‘The therapist made a lot of sense. I should have asked her more about how to go about this, but to be honest, I almost felt as if I should know. It all seems so easy. What’s wrong with us?’
- ‘DO THE WORK. Couples rarely succeed if they don’t do the work. WHAT IS THE WORK? It’s a simple question. Again, I guess I just don’t get it.’
Sarah went to bed too frustrated to say much more to Ethan than ‘good night’ and as he snored quietly beside her, her thoughts swirled into a muddle of confusion, doubt, hopelessness, what seemed an unearned laziness, but also determination and desire to get back to what used to be.
After a sleepless night, Sarah realized that the whole effort was like washing her hair: lather, rinse, repeat and observe incremental if any improvement. She hoped she learned something new next week.
